Contemplate

I guess it had been a little too long since I let someone else driving for me while I get myself cozy sitting on the back seat. It feels awkward and I tend to get sleepy even easier. Well, that's not a huge news since all I do all day is being sleepy, actually.

Anyway,

So I had some minutes to kill and I decided to evaluate carefully about how to project myself onto the social medias. For a few minutes there I thought it was something I could think about thoroughly, but then I came to a conclusion that there wasn't a single point in it and I started calling myself with names instead. Ugly ones. I mean, it was a totally pointless matter to think about.

I think I should soon realise how branding is not everything. Or it is. I don't know.

Bold the Truth

You like pudding. You like cake. You’ve never been to the beach. You’ve never been to the ocean. You live in the United States. You’ve smoked weed. You’ve smoked cigarettes. You’ve cheated on a test at school. You’ve ran when you were angry. You’ve cried yourself to sleep. You’ve written a poem. You’ve written a story. You like thunderstorms and rain. You like the snow. You prefer warm weather. You sleep with a fan on. You sleep with the TV on. You’ve sang a song all the way through today. You talked to someone you didn’t like today. You’ve drank a whole carton of milk by yourself. You bought something you didn’t need recently. You are wearing jewelry of some kind right now. You’ve drank alcohol. You’ve went trick or treating when you were too old. You have went ice skating. You have went roller blading. You’ve been on a skateboard. You have a pet at your house. You like cats. You like dogs. You enjoy Italian food. You enjoy Mexican food. You enjoy Asian food. You enjoy American food. You’re listening to music right now. You’ve slept walked. You’re currently mad at someone. You’re currently annoyed. You’re currently in a good mood. You like Tic Tacs. You’re currently tired. Your favorite band is the Beatles. You’ve painted your face before. You have a job. You hate your life. You want to go to the movies. You’ve played Strip Poker. You like to play card games. You're currently bored. You’re currently hungry.

Copied from Dessy. It's quite believable that I'm currently not bored or mad at anyone, and am actually in a good mood instead, isn't it? Isn't it?

Apparently...

Your temperment is choleric. The choleric temperament is fundamentally ambitious and leader-like. They have a lot of aggression, energy, and/or passion, and try to instill it in others. They can dominate people of other temperaments, especially phlegmatic types. Many great charismatic military and political figures were choleric. They like to be in charge of everything. However, cholerics also tend to be either highly disorganized or highly organized. They do not have in-between setups, only one extreme to another. As well as being leader-like and assertive, cholerics also fall into deep and sudden depression. Essentially, they are very much prone to mood swings.

Ah, Here We Go

I really want to believe that the idea of 'ideal' is possible to achieve. Apart from the fact that it is always a subjective matter, I have never (as much as I could remember) labeled anything as 'ideal'. Not those girls whose figures I adored, not the couples I called as my favorites, not any of those guys I glanced repeatedly at, not any of them, no.

Anyway,
I'm still sitting on my desk at the office right now, listening to some mellow tunes I'm not really proud to name here. I could actually take off from here anytime soon but I haven't felt like it. Well, maybe in the next 5 minutes I will.

Oh, I just remembered that I'm running out of shampoo. I'm using the replacement one which turned out to be not so ideal for my hair type. Whatever. Better get going soon.

Now It's Just An Empty Frame

I feel like I have trapped myself so deep once again. And that was what made it worse: the fact that I just tripped myself into the same hole. I had been here before. It was exactly the same. It was the same hole that once trapped me for so long, the same hole that I had been crawling to get out from.

I thought I had seen the ray of light somewhere where my days had been lovely, when I finally learned once again to smile and/or frown. I was almost back to expressing genuine emotions. I was actually that close to be able to sense my own emotions.

Well, now I'm neither feeling sad nor mad. I don't want to scream or cry. I don't even know what I want to do. The only thing I know is that when I ran this morning, when I was alone smoking in the office's pantry, and when I took the walk home... I could not feel a thing. ...And that scares me.

The most notable part is the feeling of not wanting to talk to anyone about anything that caused this. That was what made me realized that I am now back into that hole. I'm starting to pull myself back far--emotionally--from anyone around me. I'm setting back those shades where I was once hiding behind. I shut myself up from speaking my thoughts and feelings, so afraid that people would take hints about the thing I'm keeping tightly to myself.

I'm carrying a secret. A weighty one, indeed.

Spare Me

So, my brother is now a married guy, so is his girlfriend-for-5++ years. I now have a sister in law, and I might become an aunt anytime soon.

Haven't felt like such a huge change, afterall :| Aside from my whole legs that felt unbelievably sore this morning when I woke up.

Anyway, I have been terribly easy to get annoyed these days. I think my period is somewhere near its entrance. I'm pretty sure that exactly is the case.

Creepy

Late 2008 was about the time when all I did was repeating this very song, for no reason. I just felt like the song, somehow, described a lot sides of me.

Then I met a guy and yadda-yadda-yadda, I ended up feeling exactly like what the song was all about.

Oh-wow.

Nevermind, I was just feeling like sharing this hilarious song, anyway.

Thought

"Being happy should be effortless."

Hatred

There's no point in saying: "I'm sorry." It won't set anything that was once wrong to be right. You still made a mistake, you should still feel bad.

But forgiving someone, on the other hand, has much more powerful meaning.

Imagine you, having done something you totally regret in the past. There was nothing you could do to make it undone, so you felt guilty all the time.

At this point, you might have felt like saying sorry or begging for apologies was pointless. Because it wasn't like anyone would ever forgive you. It wasn't like you could ever forgive yourself. So you stopped saying sorry. Maybe slowly, you even stopped feeling sorry. You became numb. You became cold... But you still suffer.

Then picture this:

Someone came along, unnoticed. Slowly, gently, whispered to your ears, "I forgive you for being stupid."