D-10: Nostalgic Mood

I am 10 days away from getting married. All the cold feet, sudden anxiety, mood swings, and every bit of extreme feelings in this relationship had poured out in the recent weeks. The closer we get to the D-day, the uglier our argument become. The last one was always uglier than the previous ones, but the next day we would get the new worst. I, myself, kept asking how it was possible. But yeah, it happened.

So please consider this post as my best attempt to rebuild our faith in our upcoming marriage. Our one and only, until death do us part. Not that I ever had any doubts in building the future together with him, no. But.. oh well, you get the point.

Maybe I'm just suddenly in the cheesy mood for bragging about my love story, anyway.

The one thing that I kept bumping onto since we announced our engagement was how easy it was for other people to recall me being with my old boyfriends, almost like nobody ever heard of F, the guy that I will marry. That was so funny. Because I have always acknowledged F, and attracted to his charms, although never in my sane mind I ever thought about being a couple with him.

This photo was taken on Pasar Seni 2006 by a guy who is now one of our very good friends, Aryo. Probably the first time me and F met each other. If you think this picture only captured me (in the middle with black T-shirt) and my two best friends, look very carefully to the reflection on the glass. The one who wore green jacket on the right, above Diani's head, that was F.

So, there was Apres!, an activity club on my campus that I joined mainly because my brother played a significant role in it. I thought it would be easier for me to mingle in, because I could just cling on to my brother. And yes, F was also a member of Apres!, even before my brother was. Some of the members of this club spent so many time together, mostly making local jokes and ridicule each other to the point of deep humiliation. Later, this became my daily dose of fun. But much earlier before it did, it had been F's and my brother's main activity in their college days. Yes, they were close friends, my brother and F. So, you can say that I knew F from my brother. I even became good friends with his sister also.

F-me-his sister-my brother.

We spent hours together, everyday. And no, not just the four of us.

But that was how we had always been to each other--friends--or siblings of our good friends. Nearly a brother/sister to each other, maybe. But never the object of each other's affection. I did, however, see the qualities he possessed. He was smart but not geeky, he was outgoing but not cocky, he had many girls going head over heels for him but he couldn't care less and chose to stay single for years. Yes, he was great as a person. But I didn't see him needing or even wanting to be in any relationships at that time. So he was never a boyfriend-potential kind of person for me.

So, from 2006 until 2008 (the year he graduated), we stayed as good friends to each other. Our chats were mostly meaningless where we laughed and mocked more than talked. We met far less often after he graduated, but when we did meet, it was as if we still meet each other on a daily basis.

Oh, there was one time he acted as a guitarist-substitute for my band.

Nothing, really, I might just be too in love with the fact that I was once a part of a band :p

Long story short, we met again after quite a while on 2011, at a friend's wedding, two days after I broke a relationship because I found out that I was being cheated on. Every time I broke up, he always asked me what happened and then promised me that he would try to find a match for me. And that was exactly what he did that night. But well, because I was just two days after a horrible break up, that kind of conversation sounded totally unattractive that time. All I wanted was to come home as soon as possible.

After that night, he occasionally popped out on my Y!M window to joke about the people he thought I should date, asking about concerts, and other things. One day, when I was home on Sunday, after hours of cycling around with my friends, he popped out on my Y!M again, only this time, he talked about something serious. This had never happened before. He wanted to consult about his relationship.

Apparently, after one long session of serious talking, I found many things about him I never knew before. Turned out, that was how shallow our years of friendship had always been. It was always about the fun sides of each of us. I never knew it was possible for him to be vulnerable over a romantic matter, and he never knew that relationship was always a subject on which I never kid myself.

Shortly after that talk, his relationship ended and yes, he was terribly heartbroken. We talked on a daily basis as friends. But this time, our topics often shifted on to serious matters. Much more serious than those we ever had before. We would stay up until the sun rose just to 'interview' each other regarding relationships, future, and everything.

From then on, it went smoothly. We decided to be in a relationship despite the Jakarta-Bandung distance (which sucks), my insecurities, his not-so-long-ago break up, the awkwardness between me-him-my brother-his sister, how surprising it must have been for our Apres! friends and maybe even our parents, and how odd it must seem because his band mate was already in a serious relationship with my band mate for years (yes, the world is that small for us) (and they got married last year, FYI).

Many things happened since the day we started our relationship, but even from day one I could tell that I had nothing to worry about. He is the kind of person that anyone can trust and he never judges anyone. He makes me feel safe and fulfilled, and he actually feels like a right mixture between 'the guy I want' and 'the guy I actually need'. I know how cheesy I sound right now, but no, I cannot find any better ways to describe this.

It would be an exaggerated lie if I say that I have nothing to complain about him, of course there are. There are little annoying things to huge overwhelming matters that will stand between us and eternal happiness. We will have arguments, fights, excruciating silences. But I don't know, for the last couple of years, the world had turned into a much better place for me.

For the first time in my life, I am sure that my happiness matters to another person and for the first time in my life I want, so badly, to play a significant role in another person's happiness.

We have so much ahead of us. For a start, we still have 10 more days to be filled with wrongdoings and ugly fights. To talk about 'forever' is still too early. But at least for now, I am happy.

Wish us luck :)

My Birthday

On my birthday two days ago, I decided to stay up after sahoor and did a morning run. One very nervous 10 K, I was so afraid that it would ruin my fasting for the rest of the day.

My birthday run recap. Yes, I was going so slow, indeed. Hha!

But it turned out that running after sahoor was actually kind of nice, because you still had that high amount of energy that was supplied through the meals. And I was lucky because the weather was so windy and the clouds were covering the whole sky. So yeah, it was nice. superbly nice.

On the other hand, being 25 year old...

Well, it kinda felt like just another birthday, actually. I mean, the age doesn't feel so haunting or whatever (at least until now). Or maybe I'm just still feeling so guilty of all the wedding to-do list I have been neglecting that I have no more space in my sane mind to worry about getting older anymore.

Anyway, the birthday dinner with my family and my fiancé went wonderful and... rather too supersized. We all went home feeling much too full, but the food was really really worth every kg we gained that night.

The highlight that evening happened when he and I were waiting for my family to arrive at the reserved dining place. He randomly told me that he could do a magic trick and he asked me to close my eyes. Then he popped something that nearly made me cry. Not anything I could easily define with words here, because however I put it in words, nobody would ever get how sentimental that was for me. That moment brought a complicated mixed up feeling in me. Let's just say I have never thought that it was possible for anyone to care about me that much. And that was SO much. Maybe even a little too much.

The funny thing is, I kept remembering how some years ago, I did have another birthday meal with him. And it was nothing close to what I had this year.

Thank you.

These are... Real

Ahh.

I have never been so nervous and excited as I am right now. Well, maybe I had, but it was so long ago that I had forgotten how it felt like.

But since the rest of the story is still rather a mystery even for myself, let's just focus on other things.

These last couple of weeks had taken me on a time machine of some sort. For most of you, this band might be as insignificant as the ants in your little drawer. It most probably be just another band from Bandung, the city that seems to produce like five or fifteen new bands each day. But for me, though, it was a sweet piece of the past. My past.

There were those days when my weekends were fully booked by stages in various sizes and varying crowds. Practically, there were days when my weekends were spent with no one else but the members of that particular band. There were days when we were so awfully close to each other.

So these last couple of weeks, hearing the news that some of them were entering their own new phases... they kinda brought me in a nostalgic mood :')

Ranti - myself - Kak Pepi, this was taken few minutes before we hopped on the stage at ITB

This one was from a gig at E-Plex, PVJ Mall. Even that place is no longer exist now :))

Cannot believe how time had passed. Kak Pepi was still going backstreet with her then-boyfriend whom she has been married to since last year, and now she is a lovely mother of their beautiful daughter. Ranti was still busy giving too many 'chances' to a little too many guys back then, and now she has sworn herself to be devoted to one man as a wife, for a lifetime.

I am, of course, wishing them to have their life-long happiness and blessed days ahead. I know how hard their lives must be, starting from the day after the huge changes, but we had been through hard times together before and I just happened to know how strong these women are. So, I know they would be alright, if not even happier. And I know they'll be able to shed bright lights into their new families, just like how they did with ours back then.

I love the two of you :*

...But I Believe I'm Worth Coming Home To

It has been made much easier for us to reminisce these days. Just a few clicks away.

However odd, in circumstances like now, when I'm forced to stay shut of expressing my true feelings to you, those few clicks really do come in handy. Seeing you, younger you, with your friends, sometimes with unexpected appearances of a younger me, in those days.

They remind me of how much I should be thankful.